Grief is Raggedy: Healing Through the Messiness of Loss

Grief is raggedy. It's not just about losing somebody. It’s about the changes, the shifts, the things that used to be but are no more. It’s the job you lost, the relationship that ended, the version of yourself you had to let go, the parents you did or didn't have. Grief is layered. It’s personal. It’s historical. It’s collective.

Why Grief Feels So Heavy for Us

Grief sits in our bones like an old story passed down from generation to generation. We carry the weight of personal loss, yes, but we also hold the grief of our ancestors, of injustice, of stolen time and stolen lives. When we lose somebody, we aren’t just grieving them, we’re grieving all the things they carried and all the things they represented for us.

And yet, we keep it moving. We’re taught to be strong, to push through to “give it to God” and keep handling business. "We've been through worse." Strength doesn’t mean silence, and it doesn’t mean carrying all that weight alone.

How Grief Shows Up

Grief isn’t always loud. Sometimes it’s that deep fatigue that doesn’t go away no matter how much you sleep or eat. Sometimes it’s anger you can’t place or a fog that makes it hard to focus. It can show up in the body with headaches, back pain, a tight chest. It can feel like sadness or like nothing at all, just numbness. It can look like drinking more, smoking more to numb the pain, sleeping more to avoid difficult feelings, feeling tired of being sad, snapping at everyone around you or pushing people away because no one understands. Loss feels complicated and unfair.

For some of us, grief comes with guilt. We wonder if we did enough, said enough, loved enough. We replay moments over and over, looking for a way to change what can’t be undone. For others, grief comes with fear; fear of losing somebody else, fear of getting too close, or fear of feeling too much.

How We Heal:

1. Speak Their Name

Keep their memory alive. Talk about them. Share stories. Laugh about the good times, cry about the hard ones. Keeping their name in your mouth keeps their spirit close.

2. Find Your People

Grief wasn’t meant to be carried alone. Lean on your people. That might be family, friends, a support group, or a therapist who understands the layers of grief. Find spaces where you don’t have to explain yourself, where your feelings are safe to land.

3. Let the Tears Fall

Crying is not weakness. It’s release. It’s cleansing. It’s making space for what’s next. If you ain’t cried yet, that’s okay too, grief moves on its own time. When it hits, let it come.

4. Get It Out Your Body

Grief is in the body too. Move. Walk. Dance. Twerk, Dougie. Milly Rock. Breathe. Find ways to release what you’re holding. Whether it’s deep breaths in the morning or hitting the gym, let your body be a part of the healing.

5. Create Rituals

Light a candle. Cook their favorite meal. Write them a letter. Visit their resting place. Build traditions that keep you connected while helping you move forward. Rituals ground us in love, in memory, in healing.

6. Give Yourself Grace

Some days will be good. Some days will feel impossible. Healing isn't a straight line. There’s no “right” way to grieve, no deadline on when you’re supposed to feel “better.” Take it one moment at a time. Grief is forever but it looks different as we heal.

When to Seek Help

If grief is pulling you under (if you’re struggling to get out of bed, if you’re losing interest in life, if you’re feeling hopeless or like you don’t want to be here) reach out. Therapy isn't just for when things get bad, but if they do, know that help is out there. Therapists exist who understand our grief, our culture, our pain, and our strength.

Honoring What Was While Moving Forward

Grief doesn’t mean forgetting. It doesn’t mean moving on like nothing happened. It means learning to carry the love, the lessons, the memories in a way that doesn’t break you. It means finding joy again without guilt, letting yourself live even as you hold space for what’s gone.

We heal in our own time and in our own way.❤️‍🩹

With Hope and Healing,

Rachael E. DuBose, M.S.Ed., LPCC-S, CCTP

Soul-Centered CEO of Be the Light